My guy only gets to have his daughter, L (11 yr old), every other weekend. Her parents have been split up for 9 years but neither of them seem to be over it; both hold on to such anger and resentment that it's hard on our relationship. I also see how hard it is on L; watching dad complain about mom, watching mom complain about dad. Now, I'm a child of divorce and really don't have any relationship with my father (long story, it's useless) so I know how important this time with her should be. I let them have father/daughter time when she's with us and I also try to do something as friends with her. We have recently learned how crafty she is and so that's what I try to do with her.
Where I'm having a problem is:
1. Deciding how to discipline her.
We can't really ground her, she's only with us 4 days a month during the school year and every other week during the summer. At the end of last summer we had a little problem with her lying; this in turn caused a HUGE fight within the extended family. Dad doesn't want to be the bad guy since he has her so little; which then leaves me to be the bad guy.
2. What should she take home to her mom's house that we buy and what should she have to keep with us.
The reason this is a problem is because all the clothes I buy, she loves so she takes them home, when she comes over, she never brings them back so I end up having to buy new stuff. When she went home after Christmas, she was crying and SO mad at me. I told her she had to leave ALL her new clothes with us; I explained that she never brings appropriate clothes and I can't afford to buy new outfits every time. Seriously, this little girl had 2 different socks, torn up pajamas and one boot for a 3 day stay over Christmas. Since she is only 11, she still didn't get it. I tried to talk to her mom; we are cordial to each other so I thought it was the best thing to do. I asked her to help her back her bags and when she starts brings clothes, I would be more than happy to allow her to take the things I buy home. She really wants to wear her designer jeans to school.
I'm sure I can't be the only person with this dilemma; but how do I handle it. I don't have kids but have enough friends with kids to know a thing or two. I think so far I've done a pretty good job. I refuse to talk poorly about her mom in front of her, no matter what I think of her, and I don't try to be her "mom"; I'm her dad's girlfriend and her friend. Where do turn to find answers for "step-kids"; I've seen enough TV to know the kid will always hate the new girlfriend; lucky for us, she still likes me.
L is a wonderful girl with so much potential, I just don't want her to lose that going between houses!
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Oh, my. Actually, Ryan and I talked a bit about this last night. Hopefully a situation we will never have to be in, but we like to discuss all parenting challenges in hopes to ready ourselves more for when little 'S' is older.
We both agreed that maybe 'L' is old enough to at least pack some of her own things, even if her mom is not supportive. Maybe her, or mom, realizes that when she brings rags to your house she comes back home dressed in designer clothes.
Maybe you can give her an old worn out pair of your socks and basic items (my idea) and next time your at Walmart alone, we both agreed, hit the clearance rack and buy her a really boring and even a little out of date outfit. Something on double discount that she would not want to wear to school, hence, not take back to her moms. It may cost you a few more dollars, but hopefully in the long run she will make a point of remembering to pack some nice clothes so she doesn't have to wear 'Walmart'.
As to not bad-talking her mom, great job. I know that is the right thing to do, no matter how hard it might be sometimes!
As to disciplining her? I have no clue. Maybe I can find someone with some experience....
http://www.parenteen.com/index.cfm/pageid/978
I would recommend some books by this guy. My husband is a youth pastor and really admires the words of wisdom that Chap Clark has for dealing with teens.
Hi, I happened on your blog tonight and thought I would put in my two cents worth. I am a mother of four grown children, a nana to three grandsons, and a fourth grade teacher, so I have had some experience with kids! At 11 she should be very capable of packing her own suitcase. I would buy a notebook for her to take back and forth. Actually it could be a bonding type of thing to do--buy one at Dollar Tree/Dollar General cheap and decorate it together. Then make a list each time she is ready to leave. Have a column for her to check it off once it is packed. Discuss with her how important this is and reward her when she does it. It may be that her mom is getting the benefit of you buying clothes for her so try not to let her sabotage you. Tell the stepdaughter that she should pack her things even if they need laundered. You can always teach her how to use the washer/dryer at your house. If she can pack the proper things then she can take home what you purchase for her. I don't know what you need to discipline her for, but try to reward her for doing good versus discipline for doing bad. I also don't think you should be doing the disciplining--it should be her dad. Good luck! I hope some of this is helpful and works. It isn't easy to raise kids, but it is rewarding!
First of all, you are in a hard spot and it sounds like you are really trying to make the best of it--good for you!
My kids are younger, so I don't have a lot of experience with the pre-teen stage.
I think kids (even at this age) really like to have boundaries. They may lead you to believe that they don't, but they really do. Giving boundaries shows love to them. They see that you care about what they do, who they hang out with, what they wear, etc...I think for your boyfriend, he really needs to evaluate what his goals are when raising his daughter. Obviously he is in a hard spot as well. But showing love means teaching what is right, even if you don't always feel like your child's "friend." One day she will grow up and face the real world, and she will be more ready for that if she has had proper training and boundaries at home.
I think that this is a great opportunity to connect with her in the time you have over the weekend. Keep up the listening, she needs it! It must be hard for you not to talk bad about her mom, I think that is wise of you to watch what you do/do not say.
Time might just be the thing that everyone needs in this situation. I wish you luck! Hang in there!
Hi, I just read her post. Olivia is right on target, and doing a good job. Partial part time parenting sounds tough. I believe that she is doing the right things, esp. trying to get mom involved in helping her daughter pack. Olivia sounds like she is trying to teach responsibility, and of course can't buy new clothes every time she comes to their house.
There is a 'natural consequence' in all of this - and the key here is that even though she is only 11, she can learn to responsibly pack special things if she wants them bad enough, and especially knows that someone won't bail her out on the other end by rushing out & buying new things. Teaching responsibility is key, and in practice Olivia still can be be very 'sad, understanding, empathic etc.' on her end if the girl did not 'remember' to pack her special things. But, there can be 'back-up' clothing always availble if she 'forgets' waiting for her in her closet (and understanding that Olivia would not be running out and buying for her, which would unintentionally 'reward' her for 'not-remembering' her special clothing when she packs.)
Olivia sounds awesome, grounded & really seems to 'get it', especially for someone who has not had a great deal of experience in this area. She is doing the right thing, and if she helps continue to give the responsibility back to the ones that actually need to 'own them', then she may feel a little less 'bad, sad' when she has a plan in place, the girl knows what the limits are, and that ultimately it is up to her to responsibility remember for herself.
ox
I just wanted to thank everyone for your kind words of wisdom. Sometime it's hard to see if I'm doing the right thing for L; it's nice to know that it looks like I'm moving in the right direction.
I hope we will continue to move forward and grow! I'm sure there will be lots of different situations that come up in the future. And with everyones helpful advice and lots books, we will make it through the teenage years!
Thanks again to everyone who made comments. I will be making a section called weekend parent if you would like to follow along our family as we learn and grow from each other!
Okay-not to sound snobby, but I do have a BA in Family Science and ave raised 3 pretty darn amazing kids. This being said, I was raised in a highly volatile environment that involved so many issues, I wouldn't even know where to begin. I will mention, though, that I was a child of a divorce situation.
Okay-here it goes.
A kid usually does whatever it is they are doing (good or bad) because it is "working" for them. If it stops working for them, then the behavior that needs to be corrected (the bad one) can be addressed. You must always LET THE PUNISHMENT FIT THE CRIME. Therefore, if you feel she is using you to get new clothes-stop buying them for her. Let her make do with what she brought.PERIOD. She will not die or get ill from wearing dirty socks-promise, unless she has diabetes or something! She will soon learn that life is about the choices we make-and that if we make irresponsible choices for ourselves-we will change said behaviors.
Be CONSISTENT in all things regarding children, please! Even neglected kiddo's fair better socially than kiddo's w/parents who are wishey washers or those who tend to cave in to whining/tantrums. Simply put: say what you mean and mean what you say.
One thing that was not discussed. Your boyfriend needs to be clearly made aware of something-and quick. Little girls need to know that daddy's love them-through love, affection, guidance and discipline. These things, when done CONSISTENTLY will create a woman who has strong self-esteem, courage, and self-confidance. That's what Daddy's do for their daughters. His "checking out" of her disciplining translates to her as he doesn't care enough about her to help her become a woman who know the difference between right and wrong-but even more so, it will encourage her toward self-depreciating behaviors (such as lying-or worse still-which I won't go into). He needs to love her, wrestle with her (so she is never afraid to fight for her safety-God forbid), hug her(and never pull away first), show her affection, smile at her when she walks into a room like she lights up his world, and DISCIPLINE her when she does wrong. She wants him to, no matter what he-or even she-might think. When I say discipline, I mean teach (disciple). There is never a cause to strike a child and this will create a wall of fear/insecurity that will make impossible for her to trust him nor will she respect him enough to listen to him when he is telling her what she needs to hear.
There you go,
hope it helps somewhat. I gave you all I've got for now.
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